Epiphany!

Ok - first, an admission.  I only started this Blog to qualify for a "Blogger giveaway."  I had a shot at reviewing a new Calorie Tracker device.  Yeah - viable candidates needed Facebook followers, Twitter fans, and a Blog.  So I created my second blog!  (I can't actually find my first one - it contained about 10 posts from 2005 when I bought my first house.)  Needless-to-say, I wasn't selected.  I thought it might have been my whopping SINGLE Blog post.  But then I snooped around the winner's pages, and - well, I didn't feel so bad.  Some of the winners had like, THOUSANDS of Facebook fans.  I was clearly outmatched.  :)  Serves me right!

So it's been about two months, and I'm back.  How come?  Nowhere else to post these thoughts.  They are FAR too personal for Facebook.  And when I get a NEW thought about my journey - I want to jot it down.  Save it - before I forget it!

I've been going like a MANIAC since January.  CRAZY busy.  Girls on the Run (GOTR) Board of Directors kicked-off.  Then coaching at my GOTR site.  I had recently joined a Sweet Adeline's chorus - it's  the female version of a Barbershop quartet.  NOT exactly my preferred style of music, but they were SO nice.  2013 kicked-off our preparation for a regional contest.  In April.  RIGHT in the middle of the busiest GOTR season.  Right before Contest, my duties as a GOTR Board member intensified - everything needs to remain confidential, but - as far as I can see, NOBODY has viewed my Blog!  Soooo... my first season on the Board, we had to deal with our worst nightmare - the allegation of suspected sexual misconduct of a child.  Awful.  Then my awesome GOTR Director's hubby ended-up in the hospital two weeks before the culmination of our season: the Community 5k.  I stepped-in wherever I could - site visits across town, helping other schools.  My boss wasn't nearly as understanding as previous managers have been during my eight year GOTR committment.  So I was coming in at 6am, to avoid ANY push-back.  And - sleep?  Rough.  Rough due to stress.  Drinking (knocks me out, but wakes me up at 3am.)  Doggers (the Chorkie, weighing in at around 7lbs, appears to have the tiniest bladder EVER made.) 

The Bermuda Triangle of busyness hit during the last week of April.  Monday: dress rehearsal for the choir contest, which was actually a community performance.  Stressful!  Tuesday: site visit for GOTR - not MY site - so it involved traveling about 20 minutes, and a much earlier start-time than usual.  Just added stress - the site wasn't ALL that thrilled at having a Board Member "intrude," and it was just enough to throw me off my regular schedule.  Wednesday: it was Practice 5k Week for GOTR sites - so either Wednesday or Thursday, the coaches band together to put on a mini race for their girls.  A nearby school issued a cry for help - one coach had quit mid-season, and the other was "booked."  So I trucked out to ANOTHER school on Wednesday to help kick-off the 5k.  But - I was double-booked!  I had a hair appointment that evening - and I couldn't, just COULDN'T cancel it.  Takes too long to get an appointment, and I had the contest coming up!  So I left the 5k, and hustled across town.  Thursday: MY SITE'S Practice 5k. For SOME reason, even after approximately 16 seasons, I'm always a stress-monster prepping for the Practice 5k.  I took a half-day off, pre-scheduled, but my boss was still irritated.  Special snacks, posting signs along the course, treats, prizes, a portable sound system, kid-friendly music on an iPod, stop watch, finish line, it's a full-out performance!  Friday: a full day-off, but I had to check-in downtown early-afternoon for my chorus contest - it was "quartet night," so reduced-stress for ME, but I hung in there to cheer on my team-mates brave enough to sing in a quartet.  Saturday: choir-o-rama!  We had a rehearsal scheduled for 9am - then NOTHING until we "entered the traffic pattern" prior to hitting the stage - at 1pm!  A lot of waiting around in full stage make-up and high heels.  The energy was up - but it made for a long day. 

Ok - so a REALLY fun, bright spot - WE WON!  My tiny, 19 person chorus WON for our region!  Pretty shocking - I totally didn't expect it.  When they announced 3rd Place, and it wasn't us, I thought: "oh, well - there's still 'Crowd Favorite!'"  When they announced 2nd Place, I thought: "oh, well - we still had fun!"  Then: First Place: SPIRIT OF BOISE CHORUS!  I burst into tears.  Completely blew me away.  I tear up now just thinking about it.  Such a lovely surprise. 

Then - Sunday.  Met my GOTR Director for a beer - my nephew had recently had a medical emergency, and when I asked his wife what the best thing to bring someone with a loved one in the hospital, she said, "Nothing - just - VISIT!"  So, I tried to reach out to my Director every chance I got. It was pretty rewarding, on a personal level - I feel like it really strengthened our friendship, and as a Nurturer - it was really sweet to hear on one visit when I took her to lunch that "This was the first meal I've had in days!"  She called it her High Stress Diet. 

I don't think I did much else that Sunday.  I was whipped.  But what I haven't shared yet - a KEY part of all of this, occurred on Wednesday.  My fabulous hair stylist is a very... old-soul.  Very astute.  She's GOOD at what she does, but I think I've been going to see her for so many years because I ENJOY our time together!  She called me out.  "You are SERIOUSLY busy, Lady!  What are you RUNNING FROM?!"  Woof.  She nailed it. 

My boyfriend of five years and I broke up mid-March.  I was ALREADY pretty busy by March.  But I think I amped it up after the break-up.  I was sad.  Sad - but not destroyed.  It was a long ime coming.  We loved each other very much.  We still do.  But we are fundamentally incompatible.  Nobody is wrong.  Nobody is at fault.  We are just TOO different.

So I ran.  I booked myself up.  And when my fabulous hair stylist called me out, she suggested I take some time for ME.  That was late April.  It is now May 18th - it's taken me THIS long to carve out ONE weekend to myself! 

I had hoped to take some time earlier this week to "plan" my weekend.  But that didn't happen.  So I started things off this Friday with a pedicure.  Just seemed right.  :)  Slept in this morning.  Enjoyed coffee on my back deck.  Ran some errands.  Saw one friend - but resisted being "booked" for other events.  I don't know what this weekend has taught me YET, but so far - I can see the need for more weekends WITHOUT committments.  Even if the committment is FUN.  Pleasurable.  Something I'm looking forward to.  It's still a "have to."  I "have to" be somewhere by this time.  I have to bring such-and-such.  A gift.  A BYOB.  A potluck dish.  Have to.  It was REALLY NICE today to not "have to!"  I CHOSE to organize my closet.  Hang with my dogs.  Shower.  :) 

I didn't spend the day at the gym.  I didn't meditate.  I wasn't "zen."  But I was a little more still than usual.  And it felt great.

AND: it opened me up to this: a tiny epiphany.  I ran out after-dark to pick-up some Redbox videos and dinner, and - well, I live in a very safe town.  But we JUST had a strange incident at our local mall - a guy ran over a woman with his truck!  So I might have been on high-alert.  But a guy smoking outside the McDonald's where my Redbox movies were reserved kinda creeped me out.  He kept watching me.  I didn't leave my car running like I might have.  I secured my car, grabbed my videos, and got out of there! 

As I pulled away, here was my epiphany: have I held onto all this weight to protect myself?  Do I feel like less of a "target" with 60 extra pounds?  WHY do I hate male attention?  I want love.  I want a relationship.  But NOTHING makes me more uncomfortable than unwanted male attention.  It actually scares me.  ENRAGES me.  I've never been attacked.  Raped.  Hurt.  Beat-up.  MUGGED, even.  So - what is my problem?  But I absolutely pulled away from that McDonald's thinking, "that dude did NOT want to mess with ME!"  Five feet, one inch tall, and I knew it wasn't my formidable stature that deterred any confrontation (if this guy was even looking for trouble!)  Even with my 60 extra pounds, I'm hardly a powerhouse!  But somehow, I was smiling as I drove away, KNOWING that my appearance WAS a deterrent.  I wasn't "cute" enough to warrant hassling.  The guy didn't want to talk to me.  To catch my attention.  To bother with me. 

Does this make ANY sense?  Do I WANT some slacker smoking outside a McDonald's to harass me?  OF COURSE NOT.  Did my ego suffer because he didn't wolf-whistle at me?  OF COURSE NOT!  Not at all.  But on some level, I knew my weight was a buffer.  A boundary.  Kept someone from viewing me as... a target.  A victim.

But who am I really hurting with these extra pounds?  Exactly.  Time to figure this out.